We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
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I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
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I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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