I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
that's an acceptable place to lick
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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