I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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