if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
