I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
