mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
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