i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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