I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
