My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
