There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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