There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
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She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
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I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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