neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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