it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
