Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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