They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
