My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
