he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
You need Xanax blowdarts
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
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