my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
