There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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