take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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