It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
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SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
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scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
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