i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
