How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
