we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
