so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
