Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
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