I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
