i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
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