Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
