I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
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Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
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Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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