Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Randomize
