Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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