Sober January is a disaster.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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