I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
This is the prime rib incident all over again
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
