Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
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