if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
