I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
