Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
