new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
