Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
