I want you more than these girls want KFC
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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