somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
