i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
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