It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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