failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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