please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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