This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
its liver damage thursday
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
