Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
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My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
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Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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