He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
