I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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