god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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