Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
