proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
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