Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
