Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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