my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
