And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
