I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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