I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
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