he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
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