Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
