I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
