my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
