well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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