That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Randomize
