There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
