I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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